A New York judge has ruled in favor of J.D. Salinger, granting a preliminary injunction against J.D. California's novel "60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye," an unauthorized sequel to Salinger's own "The Catcher in the Rye."

This means that California's book will not be published in America this year, although it will still be available in Europe. The injunction is temporary until all the facts can be weighed at an actual trial. The last novel to be banned in America was William Burrough's "Naked Lunch" in 1966.

The judge decided that "60 Years Later" was not enough of a parody and that sales from "60 Years Later" would hurt sales from "The Catcher in the Rye."

Speculation!

J.D. Salinger is 90 years old and completely deaf, according to his attorney. Completely deaf. 90 years old. Famously hasn't left his house in decades. A FICTION WRITER.

Let's say you are J.D. Salinger's attorney. Do you give a crap whether or not the sales from "The Catcher in the Rye" are increased because a parody reignites interest in Salinger's woefully irrelevant, silly little children's book? Do you give a crap if your client makes more money on his book because of a sequel that pays irreverent homage to his forgotten landmark?

No, because you will not see any of that money. But if you can convince a 90 YEAR OLD DEAF OLD DEPRESSED SHUT-IN to sue the publisher, writer, and distributor of that parody, you will get paid this quarter no matter what. Billable hours out the ass.

Do you have a case? Who the fuck cares? Fees, costs, damages, publicity, profit!

J.D. Salinger = not a rational human being, but a good fiction writer nonetheless who should be protected and who is instead having his already-shaky reputation pulled around by attorneys and caregivers like a goddamned blow-up balloon in some lame-ass bullshit parade.

J.D. California = a smug opportunistic troll, Scandinavian "humorist," and a baaaaad fiction writer, but probably accidentally right in all this mess. It is obviously a joke to write a sequel to "The Catcher in the Rye." The legal system sucks at jokes. The whole purpose of the legal system is to grind down anything fun you might ever say into "truth" using threats, penalties, scowls, wigs, robes, hammers, and scales.

Fuck it. California and Salinger's attorneys are BOTH exploiting Salinger. Do you really think Salinger is sitting around his house, still on top of his game, masterminding all this with his full faculties?

Salinger is mushing his gums and pissing in a diaper. Salinger probably does not know what year it is.

So cut that baby in half! Let's burn everything! Let's finally ban "The Catcher in the Rye" for profanity and let's now ban "60 Years Later" for copyright infringement!

Burn it all down!



BURN!



BURN!



BURN!



BURN!



Or, instead, you can enter our "The Catcher in the Rye" Parody Short Story Contest to vent your rage (and mine) with cutting, powerful short stories that pour acid over all this shit and strip it down to the bone.

What is copyright? What is parody? What is fair use?

If you can write a good, legal parody of "The Catcher in the Rye," we will give you fabulous prizes!

Posted by miracle on Thu, 02 Jul 2009 09:53:41 -0400 -- permanent link

...Borders UK bookstore is freaking out! Like an assassin delivered in a layer cake, they have exploded out of nowhere this week and are shooting up the whole wedding party, trying everything to hit their mark. Screaming. Wearing red sunglasses. Bullet casings flying over their shoulders in slow motion. Sweat stains. Doves criss-crossing over bullet-riddled children whose tiny hands clench and then unclench around bouquets of roses.



This week in England, Borders UK managed both to launch an online dating website for readers called "Happily Ever After" and to inaugurate the world's cheapest ebook reader, a Borders product manufactured by Elonex that undercuts Sony by ten "pounds."

The Elonex reader is a sly and saucy satire of American ebook readers, eliminating all frills and simply delivering "ebooks" in a black box, without music, internet support, games, or DRM. Borders UK's new reader supports both ePub and Adobe formats, and holds 1000 books, which is probably more books than you will be able to read between now and death, especially if you are only reading "Pride and Prejudice" over and over again, sighing about Mr. Darcy because you are a fretful British middle-class social climber.

Speaking of, then there's Borders UK's new dating website.

I made an account with "Happily Ever After" to cruise the laaaaaadies and see what was shaking in the world of single British Borders customers.

"Borders" sounds appropriate for a British dating site, doesn't it? Clear-cut uncrossable boundaries. Welcome to "Tense Distance," where you shall find a suitable social match with whom you will then begin the long hard road of trying to mate and breed, like a captive Panda.

At first, it wouldn't let me sign up because I couldn't figure out the British "postcode" system. But after some research, I put in the postcode for Big Ben (awwwwwwww yeah) and I was on my way.

The first thing it did was show me my matches.



YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FROM MIRACLE JONES

"Hey girl. You look OLD. The kind of old that just doesn't give a FUCK anymore. Speaking of fucking: lets. You bring the Bible and I'll bring a blood pudding. Friday through Sunday, plus dancing?"

YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FROM WILD ENGLISH ROSE

"Charming. Are you drug and disease free, young man?"

So now I have a date this weekend in Piccadilly Circus with an affluent widow "of years" who promises to teach me a thing or two about "rogering an insatiable, common Molly Tossoff as if she has never brokered peace between hostile nations nor commanded an army into certain death." She says she has a set of anal beads that are worth more than my life as a solid British citizen (she is going to be so pissed when I stand her up).



Based on some of her other profile pictures, I think she is into cosplay.



Posted by miracle on Tue, 30 Jun 2009 19:10:11 -0400 -- permanent link

Right now, scanning a book is a colossal pain in the ass and at the end of the day, you only get a stolen scan, not an actual stolen book.



So right now, the only markets for book piracy are people who don't mind reading online scans, people who have tremendously expensive (non-proprietary) ebook readers, and people who are willing to print up a book on their own printer paper and read it like an English teacher grading an end-of-semester essay.

Book piracy is like porn: pictures of what you want. But with the Espresso Book Machine, here comes real pirate satisfaction!

What if you could steal the blueprints for an actual book and print it up at your local copy shop for five dollars in five minutes?


***


You: Oh shit, I want to read all the James Bond books in order. But I don't want to wait two weeks for Amazon to deliver them. I want to have them right now, a big long stack of color-coded books that sit on my shelf in a long perfect row like motherfucking candy.

(run run run run run run run)

Barnes and Noble Clerk: Uh, we have "Diamonds Are Forever" and "Thunderball." Those are the two big sellers...

You: Fuck you. Get out my way.

(run run run run run run run)

The Strand Clerk: Ian Fleming. F-L-E-M-I-N-G. No, I don't think we have any of those books...

You: Of course you do. Let me see that computer.

The Strand Clerk: That's not our policy. Also, you wouldn't know how to work it.

You: Just tell me where they are.

The Strand Clerk: We don't carry them. You'll have to check the USED racks outside.

You: I already did.

The Strand Clerk: Security!

(run run run run run run run)

You: Maybe this incredibly tiny independent bookstore run by this beautiful lady who is actually reading a book will be able to help me. Madam, ahem, if you wouldn't mind, I need all of the James Bond books in order.

Independent Book Dealer: Oh yeah? It's gonna take an hour, but sure.

You: Seriously?

IBD: Sure. We'll just print them up for you on our Espresso Book Machine.


McNally Jackson Books in SoHo will be getting New York's first Espresso Book Machine later this year

You: What?

IBD: It prints up any book you want, as long as we carry books from the publisher. Additionally, we can print ANY OTHER BOOK from a .pdf too, as long as you have the .pdf.

You: Oh really. Uh, start printing those James Bond books. I'll be right back.

(run run run run run run run)

You: I'm back. I've got this CD full of .pdfs I need printed. Uh, they are Espresso Book Machine formatted.

IBD: Sure thing. It's a five dollar flat fee for .pdfs.

You: Fine.

(wait wait wait wait wait wait)

IBD: Are you sure this is a legal copy of Harry Potter you are printing from your CD?

You: Totally.

IBD: Because unless the company has a deal with us, the Espresso Machine won't be able to tell that it's a pirated copy.

You: It is totally a legal copy of Harry Potter.

IBD: Because if you stole this scan online and are just printing it on this machine, there's no way we can stop you, you see, unless the publisher has done a deal with us to protect their scans by feeding the stolen version into our machine and checking against it. I'm not going to stop you. I'm not going to turn your money down. I am not an idiot.

You: I HAVE TO MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS TO FRIENDS. I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

IBD: And if you buy your own machine...why, those publishers wouldn't EVER be able to stop you. Would they?


***

For a negligible price, the blueprints of a book will let you replicate a book instantaneously. Imagine if you could plug a recipe into a machine and get a meal. Would you ever cook again? Would you ever "order out" for food?

You would not.

Current book piracy is frustrating and silly because you can't pirate what you actually want (actual books). But with the Espresso Book Machine, this distinction collapses and the scan of a book becomes not only a facsimile, but also the DNA of a reconstructible object.

So how do you protect these scans and ensure that people pay the right amount for the books they want so that writers get paid?

The only answer is persistent online web pages of book scans that are protected like porn and are just as easy to access. It's what Google is doing. If people want a hard copy, they pay you, and they get access for a limited time to both the online edition and the ability to print copies from an Espresso Book Machine at cost. Access to the online edition confers other benefits as well, such as the knowledge that your money is going DIRECTLY to the writer at a percentage heretofore unheard of by the publishing world. No more "royalties." Just PAYMENT. People know that by stealing books they are stealing from the actual author and robbing them of their ability to write more books.

And I fully believe that publishers can make better persistent online web pages than Google can. Why aren't they doing this? Why why why why?

NOTE: With the Espresso Book Machine, you will also be able to hack the .pdfs to personalize your books however you want. In five years, this is what Harry Potter novels will look like on the STREET:















(Redesigns courtesy of M.S. Corley)


Posted by miracle on Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:50:02 -0400 -- permanent link

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. We understand the inertia and despair that you had to overcome in order to be here today, and we are grateful. Don't lie to yourselves. You hate fiction readings.

You think fiction is culture. But fiction is not culture. Fiction is not art. Fiction is the thoughts that travel through your brain at the speed of light when you are fucking someone you don't really like and are still trying to get off and feel good about yourself. Fiction is the scream of the eagle that paralyzes the rat so that the rat can be ripped apart and eaten in the sky. Fiction is a prosthetic heart with an extra valve. Inside the extra valve is a chittering, oily stage-five cockroach that is having an endless seizure as it dreams of the bootheel.

Fiction is fuel for the angry. Color for the rotten. Love for the machines. Consolation for those who have suffered amputations of the spirit that can never be repaired.

The functions of other art forms are clear for the maintenance and well-being of a smoothly-running slave state, but fiction always tends toward freedom and contumacy, and will always therefore be hunted and driven underground. Theater and film provide public relations packages that the fearful can use to shape their lives without work, picking and choosing opinions and moods like off-the-rack clothes in order to keep them from the hell of their own inner world. Popular music is a safety valve for the working classes to keep them hoping for more "life" beyond the slaughterhouse. Nursing homes are full of people clinging to the popular music of their youth, singing the lie and loving the liars to keep themselves from endless weeping. The visual arts ensure that the sensitive and mentally-ill can contribute to Empire: they can decorate the castles of their overlords with representations of their own low paranoias and low cravings -- paranoias and cravings that their overlords can then continue to study and exploit.

The only arts comparable to fiction, however, are surgery and sculpture, because these are the only arts that can destroy life or break stone. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to die or be broken. We are the Fiction Circus, and we reserve our mercy for the trapped ghosts in our imaginations who hurl themselves against the windows of reality, screaming to be given a voice. So please. Relax. Drink yourself into a stupor. You are here because you love fiction. And so do we."


***


And then we read stories!

I read a tale called "Role-Playing Game" about a group of people who sit down to do some "gaming" with higher stakes than usual. Verdammt read another tale about sweet, lovable Complicity called "A Good Man is Hard to Find." Bill Cheng read a very short story about an iguana called "The Recession." And Dr. Future ended the evening with his tale "Satan in Love," a metaphysical speculation about Craigslist, God, impressive penises, and gold watches.

DJ Carter, of course, laid down sonic threats so large that three people had spontaneous orgasms during the performance, and one person may now be pregnant with Music's Child.

It was a fun night. We held a Fast Hitler Contest and a Cowcatcher Contest. People were dubious at first (a natural Manhattan state of mind), but we set them straight, and by the end of the night everyone was relaxed and actually enjoooooooying fiction. Hopefully, we'll play the KGB again, maybe on a night where there's a crowd.

NOTE: There was this nice kid with a satchel who came in to the KGB to see our show and then was bounced by management for being underage. We didn't know what was happening until afterward. Kid, we are sorry. If you read this website, please get in touch with me and we will make it up to you somehow. We were upset about this, and we want to make it right.

Posted by miracle on Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:10:16 -0400 -- permanent link