Arcane Desires

THIS ARTICLE IS © COPYRIGHT AND IT IS WRITTEN BY FERDINAND MAGELLAN VII, ESQ., PHD MY DAD IS A LAWYER AND HE WILL SUE YOU IF YOU COPY ANY OF IT!!!

Throughout the course of the past few months, we at Arcane Desires have grown increasingly concerned with the prevalence of mothauckas uckin' with our shi. These mothauckas seem to have a predilection for fronting on us and generally wreaking havoc upon our existential milieu. This must not stand.

Shakespeare and Mothauckas

A little known piece of linguistic/semiotic trivia: the term "mothaucka" was initially coined by none other than "The Bard," William Shakespeare. The term was originally introduced in his play Cardenio, a collaboration with John Fletcher. Cardenio was once thought by so-called "literary scholars" to be one of Shakespeare's "lost plays." How wrong those criticasters were. The team at Arcane Desires uncovered the lost folio of the play on our recent archaeological dig at Stratford-upon-Avon. The relevant passage from the folio we discovered under Elizabethan soil follows below:

CARDENIO: What doth, pray tell, cast me in penury?
What causes all my grief and pain this day?
I blame not God nor any fault of mine.
'Tis nought but mothauckas whom I blame.
For through their service to the daemon lords,
Some devil's notion renders me in chains.
The villain Don Fernando cast his spell;
He wooed away Lucinda, mine true love.
This mothaucka is whom I despise;
I banish mothauckas all to hell.

In comparison with these lines, the rest of Shakespeare's canonical ouevre stands as mere doggerel. These gems of linear feet, which shine cherubically, allow a contemporary audience a glimpse into the mind of our Supreme Neologist. A short Bowdlerized passage from Hamnet, one of Shakespeare's most famous and belovéd plays, reveals that Shakespeare was writing about mothauckas long before his collaboration with Fletcher.

HAMNET: Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:
A mothaucka kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same mothaucka send
To heaven.
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
...
Up, sword; and know thou a more horrid hent:
When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,
Or in the mothaucking pleasure of his bed;
At gaming, swearing, or about some act
That has no relish of salvation in't;
Then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven,
And that his soul may be as mothaucking
As hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays:
This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.

Clearly, this unexpurgated version shows the true intent of "The Bard," William Shakespeare. He was a good writer. He was also smart.

What Does Mothaucka Mean?
The 1913 Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary defines the term mothaucka as "an individual or group who ucks with the shi of another party, particularly with express purpose of either self-aggrandizement of hating on the superiority of that party." The secondary definition is "an individual who performs the act of sexual intercourse with another party's mother." Such a definition bothered the ever-witty Ambrose Bierce, causing him to bequeath an alternative definition to the masses in his Devil's Dictionary.

MOTHAUCKA.

Gog and Magog.

Where Can I Get Whatever Drugs You're On?

Contemporary society, up to this point, has encountered a dearth in the field of mothaucka ontology, until the philologist folk comedy duo Flight of the Conchords referenced the term in an episode of their hit Fox Family series, Flight of the Conchords. With exceptional bardic (not "The Bard" --ed.) spirit and erudition, they released their findings. You can see a crude "Youtube video" of their performance above. In the song "Mothauckas," the group poses the question of exactly how many mothauckas exist. Their findings:

BRET & JERMAINE (unison): How many mothauckas?
Too many to count, mothauckas.

Proposed Solution

We at Arcane Desires propose a simple solution to this troubling issue. If you see a mothaucka, kill him or her immediately by any means necessary. If you have a friend or a loved one whom you believe to be a mothaucka, do not hesitate by approaching them calmly or staging an intervention. Kill them as well. j/k

This has been a public service announcement from your friends at Arcane Desires.

THIS ARTICLE IS © COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED AND IT IS WRITTEN BY FERDINAND MAGELLAN VII, ESQ., PHD MY DAD IS A LAWYER AND HE WILL SUE YOU IF YOU COPY ANY OF IT!!!