Arcane Desires

BUD ABBOTT ALWAYS WORE A BLAZER, a button-up shirt, and slacks on Sunday mornings. His wife Cindy wore floral prints in spring, modest ankle-length sundresses in summer, leaf prints in fall, and snowman blouses over dark dresses in winter. He was impotent, and she was barren. Through rain, sleet, snow, or gloom of night -- even on the holy day when the post office was closed -- they made the 45 minute drive to Salome Baptist Church.

They were friends with Pastor Buckley, but everyone was friends with Pastor Buckley. Bud always shook his hand at the exit door the firmest out of the entire congregation and told him that the sermon that day "was particularly good today, Pastor Buckley, particularly good." Cindy would smile with her big teeth at Pastor Buckley and say, "God bless you, Pastor."

Pastor Buckley never knew what to say other than "Thank you, Bud" and "God bless you as well, sister." Sister Buckley died years ago. Only a few people knew that her coffin was empty. After three days, she rose again. Pastor Buckley couldn't tell everyone about his wife's resurrection. It was only for the elect to know.

After that, they usually went into the foyer with the Davidsons and Junes and discussed the Davidson and June children. That was what happened this week too. Both Bud and Cindy pretended to be fascinated by Luke's summer camp and Christina's ballet classes, even though they were all Satanic snot-fingered brats. Then the conversation veered towards church gossip.

"Did you see that Lester Gilmore went up for the altar call again this week?" asked Sue Davidson, chuckling mildly. "I think that was the third time this year that he's been born again."

"Hopefully something will change this time around," agreed Christy June, grinning. They all laughed, remembering the days where they used to go up for altar calls every week. Now things were comfortable. Now they knew they were saved once and for all.

A younger couple walked by, and Cindy Abbott called out to them. "Hello, friends!" she cried, her voice raising about three quarters of an octave. "Welcome to the church!"

"Um, thanks," replied the man. "I'm Chris, and this is Norah."

"Hi," said Norah.

"Hello!" shrieked Sue Davidson. "And what's your last name?"

"Uh, Tolling."

"And I'm Norah Paulson."

"Oh," said Sue Davidson. "You're such a lovely couple. Have you gotten one of our welcome packs yet?"

"Yes," said Chris. "Thank you very much."

"Mmm, good," replied Sue Davidson. "Now, are you courting Ms. Paulson, Chris? You both look to be about marrying age!"

Chris laughed. "Oh no, we're just dating."

"Oh," said Sue Davidson. "Oh, I see."

There was a lull in the conversation.

Christy June broke in. "I also heard that Sister Wilminson is in the hospital again."

"Oh Sister Wilminson. She is so strong. Such a woman of the Lord. I really think she is the best epitome of the true Proverbs 31 woman," ventured Ron June.

Christy June agreed. "Yes, such a servant. I think that's what Philip's unspoken was during the service."

Both Chris Tolling and Norah Paulson looked confused. "What do you mean by unspoken?" asked Chris.

Christy June didn't know whether or not he was serious. "Chris, an unspoken request is when a request is too personal to share with the congregation. It's only between that person and God."

Chris was confused. "Then why would you pray for it in front of the whole church?"

This conversation would usually only last for about ten minutes, because Bud had his Sunday school class to teach, and Cindy needed to get home to check on the roast. They would share a meager kiss goodbye, and Bud would hand her the keys to the station wagon to take home before he went back into Classroom F. Before she left, Cindy would throw that week's rotten apples into the donation box. They were both secretly happy when they got to leave each other.

IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SMALL GROUPS for this year, and Mr. Abbott smiled like a gargoyle. If you haven't been to the Abbotts' church before, you wouldn't know about the gargoyles. When the church built the new building, the chief architect had slipped the gargoyles into the blueprint at the last minute. It wasn't approved by Pastor Buckley or the board of elders. Too Catholic. There was something that bothered Pastor Buckley about them too. One year he had gone up on the roof himself to chip away at them with a broken piece of metal, but God had told him to get down from the roof before he fell. And so the gargoyles still sat at the top of the building, paralyzed by the cross on the steeple. They were paralyzed, but they were also gory and monstrous, glorified terrors under the command of the most High.

There was reason behind Mr. Abbott's smile. With each new class that walked through the door, the first thing Mr. Abbott did was to train his flock to stand up at the exact moment he walked through the classroom door. He said that it was a matter of showing respect for him, and he marched the kids out of the door and back in again if not everyone stood up at the moment he entered. This happened until everyone had it just right. Every year, there were always a few sprinkled around the room who couldn't get it until the 4th or 5th try. They were the ones who were lost in thoughts of football practice the next day, the friend's birthday party that afternoon, or their latest videogame save point.

At this point Mr. Abbott said, "I can keep doing this all day until everyone stands at the same time." He said it so kindly that it made the kids hurt. After that, everyone got it.

BUT MR. ABBOTT WASN'T A CRUEL MASTER. Beth Lewis, one of the girls in his class last year, had even requested to be in the class again this year. She told her parents that she had learned so much the year before, and Mr. Abbott agreed that it would be good to have one of his prior students in the class again to act as a good example for this year. Before the class, he promised Beth that he would give her the special titles of "Line Leader" and "Prayer Warrior." Beth was one of his special students. He had a lot of students like Beth, and he still sent some of them cute e-mails with dancing animals and notes about the coolest new Christian rock music. He knew they liked that kind of stuff.

Mr. Abbott gave his pupils gummi worms at the start of each lesson. Mrs. Abbott always bought the generic store brand to show she was frugal and a good homemaker. The kids never noticed that they were generic. They never noticed this or what Mr. Abbott did on the nights before service. Mr. Abbott used to be a chemistry teacher before he started working in the church front office, and he knew a lot about chemistry. There was a very special chemical that he and only a few other people knew about that was called Salvinorin A. Mr. Abbott decided a few years before that he wanted his class and his class alone to have a very special treat. He did a lot of other kinds of grown-up stuff on nights before the services that kids didn't know about.

Now some men and women are also interested in chemicals, but they are bad people, because they took chemicals that they weren't supposed to. These kinds of chemicals are called illegal chemicals. They make people go crazy. But Mr. Abbott's chemical was very legal and a very good chemical. It made people closer to God. He knew the children would like this chemical.

The chemical was called Salvinorin A. Mr. Abbott knew lots about the chemical. For example, he knew that the molecular formula was C₂₃H₂₈O₈ and its molar mass was 432.464. He also knew, of course, that it was a selective kappa opioid receptor agonist. It was very difficult to synthesize, and Mr. Abbott spent many hours on it in his homemade lab. Not even Mrs. Abbott really knew how he did it. Mrs. Abbott didn't like to take this chemical. She said it made her go bonkers. But Mr. Abbott would sometimes take the chemical and then read the newspaper. He thought it made him understand the newspaper better, as long as the noises weren't there when he took it. Mr. Abbott decided that he was going to put some of the chemical in that day. It would be a very small amount of the chemical, but a little of the chemical could go a long way! He decided he would put about 1500 micrograms in each gummi worm to give the pupils a special surprise. That sounds like a lot of micrograms, but it is actually a very small amount of the chemical.

It was time for Mr. Abbott to pass out the gummi worms to the class. He was a funny teacher, and when it came time for Beth Lewis to get her gummi worm, he dangled it in front of her lips instead of handing it to her. Mr. Abbott watched as Beth slurped the neon green and yellow gummi worm into her tart, pink mouth, and everyone else laughed.